kavixiu

I'm now on my second week of my internship at The Herb Shoppe in southeast Portland and have been reading, taking classes and wandering the woods, so excited to learn more about herbal medicines, wild harvesting and homesteading. Just a few days ago I finally made it out to Mount Hood for the first time in the 2 years I've been living in Portland. I had initially started the day in Forest Park, but got frustrated at the amount of garbage I saw along the trails, as well as the unavoidable car traffic and joggers on the trails. It was absolutely worth it to switch gears and head over to Mount Hood instead. I came across a tiny, crooked gravel road that ended in a gate at the edge of the woods, where I found some mountain biking trails to hike on. Sword ferns, nettles, oregon grape, wood sorrel, mushrooms and pine needles covered the forest floor, crowding over the winding dirt paths. All I could hear was the rushing of a far-off waterfall and the sound of rain lightly falling through the trees. I gathered a few nettles and a tiny bit of pine resin - my first time harvesting! - for use in my first ever homemade medicinal tinctures. I can't wait to go back to Mount Hood, but next time I will be sure to bring some friends, some water, and snacks, and I'll definitely be staying much longer.

Hooray! Today I found out I've been accepted to participate in a 12 week long herbal internship at the Herb Shoppe in Portland this week.  I can't wait to get started. As part of the internship, we are asked to keep an herbal journal to take notes about what we learn. I'll start posting notes here to share with anyone who is interested over the next few weeks.

A couple of great, free online resources I've found for the herbal novice are Growing Herbs For Beginners and Learning Herbs. I'm watching the instructional videos by GHfB right now and I'm going to start my herb seeds in the next day or two. Also excited to start a new batch of kombucha tomorrow for the first time in over a year! Baby steps in the right direction of reaching my fantasy life ♥

Can't stop thinking singing this. It makes me so happy... And yet the original song has the complete opposite effect (below).

So many changes, its in the air, all around me. Will and I have closed the shop (or at least shut it temporarily until we figure out what to do with it). Running a business was bringing so much stress into our lives, we both decided that it was time for a new direction. We don't know exactly what that direction is, but we are slowly finding it. There are little signs here and there, leading the way. A desire to buy land and live in a remote, beautiful location. The need for a small, close-knit community. The sudden and overpowering need to grow something beautiful, a garden, a family. Build a home. We are so poor, it will take time to get there, but we are taking small steps. I can't stop daydreaming.

This month I've been abstaining from drinking, which has made social situations a lot harder, but has helped me in many ways. Its been a month of improvising and trying things I've been putting off. I've become really interested in natural medicine and have begun learning about medicinal herbs online. Not surprisingly, there are a ton of resources for that sort of thing, especially here in Portland. I'm eager to get my feet wet and try making herbal tinctures, salves and balms. I'm at a point in my life that I feel trusting of myself and the real power of nature as a healing force.

Since the shop is now closed, I'm overwhelmed with free time, and I suddenly don't know what to do with it. Usually, whatever free time I can find is alloted to pursuing creative endeavors, playing music, or taking photos. I spent one day this week driving an hour outside Portland looking for an elusive grassy hill I once took photos at with a friend on the Washington side of the Columbia Gorge. Sadly, I was unable to find the spot, so I attempted to take some pictures of my bedroom. Self portraits are kind of embarrassing, but oh well. This is my attempt at honesty and self reflection. More photos soon.

The love of my life, Joanie, flew me down to LA to spend time with her on her birthday this past December. We went camping in Joshue Tree with some very sweet friends.  Here are a few of my favorite photos from the trip. Thanks for the memories Joan. ♥

Will turned 29 yesterday. We spent the evening drinking hot toddies with friends at our place, listening to mix-tapes, smoking cigarettes, telling stories. Will's birthday got me to thinking about my own age, my own place in life, and where both our lives are going. I'm finally at a place that I've been trying to get to for years, living in Portland, Oregon after years of traveling from city to city and never really settling anywhere. Seattle, New York, San Francisco and others... never staying anywhere for more than 1 year and a half, sometimes only for a couple months. I've been living in Portland for 2 years now. After years of struggling to get by, holding down numerous babysitting jobs, I'm running a vintage clothing shop/art space with the help of my boyfriend, and I'm making enough to get by, self-employed. When I'm not working at the shop I'm working on videos, music and art projects. I'm in a stable, long-term relationship with a person who I can depend on, who is always there for me and wants to build a future with me. Someone who wants to have kids with me, and tries so hard to make me happy. I'm not struggling as much with my own fears about long term relationships. The same traps I always get stuck in: stagnation, boredom, feelings of rejection, inability to commit long term, or make future plans. It is nice to be in this place that I've been yearning for for so long. I miss my old friends, my old relationships dearly and think about the people who aren't in my life anymore on a daily basis. I miss the places I used to go. I miss the mountains, the crazy nights sneaking into the backyards of strangers, and the general recklessness and fearlessness that used to be a daily part of my life. But what I have now is fantastic, and solid and real.

Since living in Portland I've made so many new connections, great friendships with wonderful people, creative people with similar interests, people who I can collaborate with on all sorts of projects. Will and I are living in a large house, in the center of the city, with 3 friends as our roommates, and 4 cats. It is great to be here, and I love living with roommates. It feels like a real home.

There are still things I want. I want to play more music, and get over my self-mockery and perform. Maybe even tour. I want to have a baby. A couple of years ago it was something I desperately feared. Then it became something I would imagine sporadically. Gradually something changed. Maybe it was my body, or maybe my perspective, but now the thought of having a baby, of being pregnant excites me, I think about it every day. I want that strong bond, a loving family, full of warmth and happiness. I see it happening all around me. My childhood friends, my cousins, my brother. Strangers. Young girls who are still able to be fantastic photographers, or painters or artists, with babies of their own. I know that parenthood limits a person's freedom greatly, and that is what I've always been afraid of for so long, but recently I've begun to think that maybe that is just my view on it, and not necessarily the reality. It is the reality for many, but it doesn't have to be. I can still travel and explore and make art and music. Will reminds me that all those things we want are still possible with a baby, and he wants one just as bad as me. Sometimes I wish it would just accidentally happen. Then I think I must be crazy. I have almost no money, living month-to-month on whatever cash I'm able to make at the shop, and the same is true for Will. What sort of future could we really provide? Definitely not an entirely stable one. But at least one full of love and warmth and acceptance to the child that would be a part of it.

Creatively, things are going great. I've been lucky enough to stumble into lots of collaborative video projects in Portland, with more on the way. Last month I got featured in a magazine called Voight Kampff which boosted my sometimes dwindling confidence as a photographer. The most recent project I've been working on is a music video for a song called Summer Shadows by Phantom Shilla. The gorgeous actress is my friend and roommate Ren. Here are some stills...